// Dear maintainer:
// Once you are done trying to ‘optimize’ this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
// total_hours_wasted_here = 16
Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”
Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”
Me: “Read the message to me please.”
Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”
#define TRUE FALSE //Happy debugging suckers
return 1; # returns 1
long john; // silver
Exception up = new Exception(“Something is really wrong.”);
throw up; //ha ha
// somedev1 – 6/7/02 Adding temporary tracking of Login screen
// somedev2 – 5/22/07 Temporary my ass
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
Continue reading “Blonde mortician”
A popular motivational speaker addressing his audience said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!” The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and Applause
Continue reading “The basics of copy & paste”
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Helen, it's the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground. It is estimated the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.!!!'
Continue reading “Condom shortage in New Zealand”
FOKUS MENSE, FOKUS!
1. Doen so bietjie moeite met jou aankoop van jou vleis. ‘n Braai is ‘n ernstige ding, benader dus jou aankope ook so. In die ou dae was jou slagter amper familie. Jy het hom immers meer gesien as jou dokter.
Deesdae is dinge soveel makliker en onpersoonlik. Rakke het gesigte vervang met die gevolg dat die jonger geslag onbekend geraak het oor wat nou eintlik goeie vleis is. As ‘n ding goed verpak is dan lyk hy mos gaaf genoeg om te braai. Kak man! So, as jy nie vleis ken nie, vra
Continue reading “Braai Etiket”
It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the
early hours of the morning.
Continue reading “Time Travel”
Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.
Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.
Continue reading “All you need to know about banking”
Die berede polisieman was op sy perd, op die punt om die straat oor te steek, toe ‘n dogtertjie met haar blink trapfiets langs hom stop.
“Mooi fiets,” se hy, “het Kersvader dit vir jou gebring?”
Continue reading “Polisieman”
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.
Continue reading “A likely situation for me”
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Continue reading “Golf lessons”