The Shaved Soapbox » Jokes

Blonde mortician

Baldy — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:36:00 +0000

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

The basics of copy & paste

Baldy — Mon, 25 May 2009 14:32:00 +0000

A popular motivational speaker addressing his audience said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Applause

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Condom shortage in New Zealand

Baldy — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:53:00 +0000

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.

'Helen, it's the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground. It is estimated the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Damn - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'

Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from... Britain ?...'

PM: 'No chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!'

Health Minister: 'What about South Africa?'

PM: 'I'll call Thabo - tell him we need one million condoms; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds one million condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

'MADE IN SOUTH AFRICA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

Braai Etiket

Baldy — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:31:00 +0000

FOKUS MENSE, FOKUS!

1. Doen so bietjie moeite met jou aankoop van jou vleis. 'n Braai is 'n ernstige ding, benader dus jou aankope ook so. In die ou dae was jou slagter amper familie. Jy het hom immers meer gesien as jou dokter.

Deesdae is dinge soveel makliker en onpersoonlik. Rakke het gesigte vervang met die gevolg dat die jonger geslag onbekend geraak het oor wat nou eintlik goeie vleis is. As 'n ding goed verpak is dan lyk hy mos gaaf genoeg om te braai. Kak man! So, as jy nie vleis ken nie, vra
jou slagter.

2. Daar is nie 'n ding soos 'n te warm vuur nie. Dikker snitte vir braai! Dun steak is altyd taai en proe kak.

3. Steaks is medium-rare en miskien selfs medium. As jy van jou vleis 'well-done' hou - gebruik 'n blow torch en hou jou vleis van 'n braaier af. Hardloop dan ook sommer in 'n muur vas. Herhaaldelik!

Rare is net vir persone wat die smaak van vleis opreg waardeer!

4. 'n Steak sonder vet is nie 'n steak nie.( Fillet het geen vet nie). Fillet is vir bejaarde mense. Tenderised steak hoort op die Kerkbasaar se steakrolls. Nie op 'n vuur nie!

5. Wors moet nog kan buig as hy afgehaal word - dit moet nie breek nie. Wors word ook nie vol gate gesteek nie, kry vir jou iets anders om te steek.

6. As jy nie kan braai nie, moenie! Jy fok net jou gaste rond.

7. Vleis word van die rooster of die plaat af opgeskep - nie uit 'n lou-oond uit nie.

8. Uitpass voor die ete is uit soos #&%@#%$! Dit is moerse ongeskik en 'n aanduiding dat jy kak gewoontes het.

9. As jy self jou vleis wil braai want jy vertrou nie die braaier nie, of as jy net doodeenvoudig vol kak is, praat voor die tyd of shut up!

10. As jy 'n ander persoon die braaireg by jou huis gee dan swaai hy die septer.

11. As jy met hout wil vuurmaak, koop ordentlike hout. Gebruik slegs as daar genoeg vuuraanstekers is want om die ding aan die gang te kry kos hitte. Baie hitte. Die rook van 'n sukkelende vuur is 'n steurnis. 'Smokey Robinson' word nie hier geduld nie. As jy kan braai en nie 'n ordentlike vuur kan maak nie, dan lieg jy.

12.. Komplimenteer die braaier as die vleis gaaf is. Indien nie, sê so! Hoe de fok anders moet hy leer?

13. Een slaai by 'n braai is genoeg.

14. Hou jou stompies uit 'n braaivuur uit! Jou kak gewoonte hoort by jou huis!

15. Met rugby steek jy die vuur tydens halftyd aan.

16. Hoender eet jy met die hand. Tjops ook. Steak en wors, met 'n mes en vurk.

17. As jy jou pap saam met 'n braai met melk en suiker eet, is jy wanaangepas en skreeu jy seker vir die Leeus. Vra almal by die braai om jou teen jou kop te klap, maar dit sal seker ook nie eers help nie.

18. Politiek, godsdiens en baba praatjies is uit om 'n braaivleisvuur. Rugby, jag, 4x4 bakkies en die buurvrou se tan-lyne is die norm. Visvang stories word eers gepraat as almal gesuip is, want dan kan die wat nie visvang nie saam kak praat.

19. Vleis moet gereeld omgedraai word, nie halfpad aan die eenkant gaar gebrand word en dan omgedraai word nie. Draai kort kort jou vleis.

20. Vleisbraai is nie net 'n geleentheid om te staan en drink nie. Fok weet hoekom nie, maar baie moeite word gedoen met die voorbereiding en die gaste wil graag 'n lekker stukkie vleis geniet .

21. ....... en so terloops, almal wat 8 uur die aand wil eet, moet eerder by hulle eie huis fokken bly, daar is nie 'n tyd om te eet vir 'n braaivleis nie, eet as die fokken vleis gaar is!

Time Travel

Baldy — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:38:00 +0000

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the
early hours of the morning.

The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 O'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: "WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .....and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travelers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travelers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

All you need to know about banking

Baldy — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 10:00:00 +0000

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically......

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that.........

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer’s money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A: ?

Standard Bank Internet Banking problems

Polisieman

Baldy — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 08:50:00 +0000

Die berede polisieman was op sy perd, op die punt om die straat oor te steek, toe 'n dogtertjie met haar blink trapfiets langs hom stop.

"Mooi fiets," se hy, "het Kersvader dit vir jou gebring?"

"Ja!" se sy trots en opgewonde.
Hy kyk die fiets deur, en gee haar 'n R50 boete.

"Se volgende jaar vir Kersvader hy moet onthou van die reflektor."

Die dogtertjie kyk op na die polisieman op sy perd.
"Mooi perd," se sy, "kom dit ook van Kersvader?"

"Ja, hoe't jy geraai?" se hy.

"Onthou om volgende jaar vir Kersvader te se die poepol sit onder die perd se stert, nie op sy rug nie!"

No related posts.

A likely situation for me

Baldy — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:03:00 +0000

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:You've been listening to your ipod.

Golf lessons

Baldy — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 12:17:00 +0000

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Only in Australia

Baldy — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:51:00 +0000

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!