The lawnmower – very fitting considering my gardener is on leave

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
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Die Lau

Op ‘n dag stuur die boer vir ou Phillemon uit om die kragdrade op sy plaas te gaan inspekteer.  Die boer sê hy moet so met die pale langs loop en kyk of alles reg is.
Die boer gee toe vir hom ‘n cellphone en se hy moet net bel as hy erens ‘n probleem kry.  So gaat ou Phillemon in die pad af op pad na die lyne. Nie lank nie lui die boer se cellphone…

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Jonas gaan vir sy lisensie

Jonas gaan vir die hernuwing van sy Swaarvoertuig Bestuurderslisensie.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Goed Jonas, kom ons toets jou algemene kennis – Jy ry teen ‘n afdraend af en voor jou is ‘n ander vragmotor, Jy wil verby gaan – Wat doen jy ?

JONAS: Is reg, Mener. Ek kyk hom die left mirror, die pad is skoon, dan kyk hom die right mirror, die pad is skoon – Dan ek slaan die indicator, trap die petrol, kom buitekant, ek gaan verby.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Toe jy nou so besig is om verby te gaan, kom daar ‘n ander vragmotor van voor af, Wat doen jy dan?

JONAS: Is nie mulakeit nie, Mener, weer ek check die left mirror, es skoon, kyk die right mirror, es skoon, dan sit hom die indicator to the left, vang biekie briek, dan steek ek die neus agter die ander lorry in.

TOETSBEAMPTE:  Raait, maar toe jy nou in die spieel kyk, het ‘n ander trok van agter die gaping toegemaak, Wat maak jy nou ?

JONAS: Aitsa bra, Dan maak ek mar my assistant Petros wakker.

TOETSBEAMPTE: Nou hoekom wil jy vir Petros wakker maak?

JONAS: Ek,  ek dink nie Petros hy het al so moerse ongeluk gasien nie.

A Brokeback story

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either!)

What has happened to common sense?

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentional but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant, and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason.
He is survived by his four stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Onskuldige gebedjie

Die klein dogtertjie kniel langs haar bedjie toe haar mamma sê sy moet haar gebedjie wat sy geleer het opsê.
"Liewe Jesus, seën die seuntjies en seën die dogtertjies en elke fokken hasie."
"Haai nee" sê mamma, dis "elke volk en nasie"!

Hoeveel hasies?

Onderwyser: As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee hasies en nog twee, hoeveel sal jy he?
Jannie: Sewe, meneer.
Onderwyser: Nee, luister mooi. As ek vir jou twee hasies gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe.
Onderwyser: Kom ek stel dit anders. As ek vir jou twee appels gee, en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel appels sal jy hê?
Jannie: Ses.
Onderwyser: Mooi so. Nou as ek vir jou twee hasies gee en nog twee en nog twee, hoeveel hasies sal jy hê?
Jannie: Sewe!
Onderwyser: Hoe de m0er kom jy by sewe uit?
Jannie: Ek het ‘n  f0kken hasie by die huis.

A good excuse

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.  

The wife was VERY upset!

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:

'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.

'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.  

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes,  I  gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too  tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
'Please…… you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''