The Shaved Soapbox

The lawnmower – very fitting considering my gardener is on leave

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

A Brokeback story

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either!)

A good excuse

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.  

The wife was VERY upset!

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:

'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.

'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.  

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes,  I  gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too  tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''