Certain things you should not consult your wife on

Bruce wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The Doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were involved in a huge pile-up on the freeway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again."
"But something unfortunate happened. Your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Bruce is horror stricken.

"Now, you've got about $9000 in compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did……better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

Bruce perks up.

"Now," the Dr added, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.  But you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance if you had a five incher before and want a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine incher and decide only to invest in a five incher she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

Bruce agrees to talk with his wife.

The Doctor returns the next day. "So" says the Doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?

"Yep. I have." says Bruce.

"And has she helped you in making this important decision?"

"Yep" says Bruce.

"And what is it?" asks the Doctor. . .

"We're getting a new kitchen."
 

The right answer

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter.

The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand.

Every hand in the class besides one went up.

This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl, "because I dont support the Wallabies."

Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported.

"I support the Springboks", she replied.

Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the Springboks.

"My mom supports the Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the Springboks."

The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter !!"
 

The law is now going against my religion

According to this article on News24, smacking your child is now a criminal offence, punishable by a minimum fine of R300.  I don’t get it.  In my opinion, and as I’ve stated earlier, a good smack on the butt is still the number one ear opener for any child.  I’ve grown up with it, and my kids will grow up with it.  The government is trying to get people to stop abusing and degrading children, and I agree that it has to stop, but they’re going about it in the wrong way.

At this point, the law makes it easy for undisciplined teens to get back at their parents for something they deserved in the first place.

Government needs to change this law urgently!  A parent should not be prosecuted for disciplining their children, unless they are doing it in the wrong way.

And for the offenders that should be prosecuted, a R300 fine is not a deterrent to stop abusing their children, and the children would probably be too scared to report their parents anyway, knowing that the moment the parent gets back from paying the fine, there will be hell to pay.

If someone is abusing a child, the child should be taken away, without the option of getting the child back ever.  That would be more of a deterrent than a small fine.

Drugs in sport

I've been very quiet about the subject, even though my sport of choice has been the one in the spotlight because of it for the last few years.

After reading this article I have a few things to say.

Even though cycling has been by far the worst looking as far as doping goes in the last few years, I'm of the opinion that it is also the sport code that is doing the most to get rid of the problem.  And unfortunately it is getting the bad publicity because it perceived to be getting more positive tests than any other code.  Of course if the other codes started doing as many tests as cycling does things would probably look different.  But, name one other code that goes as far as cycling.  Just looking at the Tour, 800 tests on 189 athletes in 20 days.  That is ridiculous, the riders must start to look like hardcore users with all those puncture marks.

Then you have a lot of the other codes, and to name a few, like cricket, baseball, american football, shall I go on?  They all seem to sweep the problem under the carpet and the athletes get away with a small fine or short ban, but they keep it quiet enough so that no-one really knows what is going on. 

As far as testing goes, I'm still convinced that it is done the wrong way around.  Don't look for things that shouldn't be there but is.  Rather look for things that should be there but isn't.  A lot of the masking agents out there actually remove proteins that should be there as well.  So if you find something that should be there and it isn't, you get an automatic positive test.

This way the athletes would be able to establish a baseline for themselves over a period of testing, and could therefore be easier to prove that they are clean.  On the flip-side, it is also easier to test for an unknown drug like mentioned in the article.

As far as guys stating categorically that they've never tested positive…I'm starting to think that you're hiding something with your choice of words.  Rather state that you've never used any performance enhancing product or method, to your knowledge.  That is more believable, and still clears you for the time that your doctor makes a mistake when giving you flu medication, which happens.

It is getting particularly difficult to go to the doctor these days, because I insist that he does not give me any medication with any type of banned substance, even if the cycling unions allow it with doctor's clearance.  So quite a few times I've walked out of his office with no medication, and just have to ride out the illness.  Obviously this is not a choice I would make for anything life threatening, it is quite an easy choice for flu or allergies, and I've found that medication actually makes those types of ailments take longer to heal.  I've asked my doctor what benefit I would get out of any of the medication he's not allowed to prescribe, and he stated that with the volumes involved, none.  But unfortunately, tests cannot tell what the maximum level was in your body, and can only tell what the level is at the time of testing.

With the money involved, I don't think the problem will ever go away, but we can only hope that our heroes are clean…and stay that way.
 

The state of South African Cricket

Don't know if there should be a "Jokes" tag on this one 

 

 

Q. What do Mark Boucher and Michael Jackson have incommon?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is South Africa's best chance of a winat Kingsmead?
A. Telling the other team the match is at the Wanderers.

 Q. How bad is the South African batting?
A. Well, the selectors are thinking of moving Extras up the batting order.
 

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. A South African batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the main function of the South African coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the South African version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't South African fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.  

Q. What do you call a South African with 50 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Graeme Smith?
A. His walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the South African touring party?
A. The guy who removes the ball marks from the bats.

Q. Who spent the most time on the crease of anyone in the South African
    touring party?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket uniforms.