Jeremy Clarkson quotes

This is the reason I watch Top Gear on BBC


"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on thedrive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed andsleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going tohappen."

"We start tonight with the highlightof my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as youwould imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes,until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.

With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"…

"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany".

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster – 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravanning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2 ) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole Americansitting on the tailgate…"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complainingabout how dead he was.

Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting tocome apart. now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved…for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one…" Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago… in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *