I've recently started writing some posts on the mydigitallife.co.za site. Once you get author status there you get paid per hit, so it makes sense to have the more controversial posts over there. I'll still link to those posts from here though. Here's the first one, happy reading
The knob
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "the knob"
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results.
But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.The doctor looked and her closely and said, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts"
She said, "Well I guess there's no point asking about the goatee!!!"
Benoni
Q.Two Benoni guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Benoni girl use asprotection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a Benoni Boy ina suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Benoni guycross the road?
A. To start a fight, with acomplete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a Benoni girlin a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What's the first question duringa Benoni quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Benoni Blokes in a carwithout any music – who is driving?
A. The police!
Don’t you just feel like this some days
Sounds like my game
It was a sunny Sunday morning on the first hole at Erinvale golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker."Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's teeplease!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in myroutine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again theannouncement, “Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'Stee."
I simply ignored the announcement and keptconcentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly atthe person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, “Would the knob in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*ck up and let me play my second shot!?"
A new store clerk
The owner of the general store owner hires a youngfemale clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glancesat the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of herskirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread,he has a brilliant idea, I'd like some raisin bread please, the mansays politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reachthe raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The youngman is provided with an excellent view. Once she descends the ladder hedecides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customersnotice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down theladder.
After many trips up and down the ladder she is verytired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,shenotices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to saveherself a trip she yells at the elderly man.
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but its aquivering"
How confused are our people
I received the DSTV sports newsletter this morning, and this gem was in there
"France did notqualify for the 1994 World Cup finals and won the World Cup on home soil in1998. Germany were written off before the 2006 World Cup and they ended third.So I am hopeful Bafana will produce the goods in 2010."
Chairman of the 2010 LocalOrganising Committee, Dr Irvin Khoza responds after FIFA President Sepp Blatterwas critical of Bafana for failing to qualify for the 2010 African Nations Cupfinals.
How confused are you Dr Irvin Khoza. Yes, your statement may be true, but those countries stayed in the top 10 in the world, they did not drop to 70th. Our soccer guys are a bunch of lazy sods. The talent may be there, but I don't see any work ethic whatsoever, all you ever hear is how this one and that one missed the training camp for unspecified reasons, and then still got selected. And where are the enforced quotas in soccer? All the focus always stays on the traditional white sports, but nothing is ever said about the traditional black sports. Let's not make this a racial thing, so I'll end off with another quote out of the same newsletter.
“Politics has no place in sport. You cannot select people forwho they are or who they are not.”
South African sportsmenand women will struggle to compete with the world's best if politicianscontinue to prescribe to them, says Tim Noakes, one of South Africa'sbest-known sports scientists.