Pregnant quips

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that beginswhile using birth control? 
A. A misconception.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactlywhen I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'mpregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to asize 34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determinea baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure ourbaby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will mybaby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband hasa big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have afat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, andeven my feet have grown. Is there anything that getssmaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night withoutonion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnantwoman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knowswhat's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado mightbe called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word " alimony " means anythingto you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only–doctors, nurses,orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown butthe entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not becircumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-think her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boilingthem in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the newmother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the babyfrom her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new motherdreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Good mileage

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.Kind of makes you proud to be South African!

Welcome to 64-bit hell

I just spent a few hours trying to figure out an issue on a project I started a while back to automate the SQL replication setup for any servers we add to our environment.  I started the project when I had some free time a few months ago, then got going on another project which took preference, and now finally have time to get going again.  First thing I did after loading the solution was hit F5 to run it, making sure that everything is as it should.  Also remembering that I left it in a working state when I put it on the back-burner.

Then I get this beauty

"Could not load file or assembly 'Microsoft.SqlServer.Replication, Version=9.0.242.0, Culture=neutral, PublicKeyToken=89845dcd8080cc91' or one of its dependencies. An attempt was made to load a program with an incorrect format."

Now my first reaction was that I reinstalled my machine recently, upgrading from XP SP2 to Windows 2008 64-bit edition, so I double checked my installation of the SQL Server SDK, and the various other things that are referenced in this project, but no luck.  AARRRRGGGHHH!!!

Boot up the XP VM, test the project there and it works like it should.

So, I went back to my dev environment and do what I should have done in the first place, click that friendly "Search for more help online".  And first in the list is the description for the System.BadImageFormatException with a simple solution.

Turns out that the SQL Replication SDK was developed for 32bit platforms only, so go to the Project Properties, select the Build page and set the Target Platform to x86.  Hit F5, and my project is back to a working state.

Solution Provider

 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truckfixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far andwould just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and boughta bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked upa couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approachedby a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me howto get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is veryclose to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint inthe bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carrythe goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk theold girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down thisalley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'Iam a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we getin the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and haveyour way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, agallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly holdyou up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with thebucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'