Author: Baldy

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.  

The wife was VERY upset!

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:

'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.

'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!  So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.  

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes,  I  gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too  tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
'Please……..do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "the knob"

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results.

But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.The doctor looked and her closely and said, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts"

She said, "Well I guess there's no point asking about the goatee!!!"

Q.Two Benoni guys jump off a cliff.  Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Benoni girl use asprotection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a Benoni Boy ina suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Benoni  guycross the road?
A. To start a fight, with acomplete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Benoni girlin a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question duringa Benoni quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Benoni Blokes in a carwithout any music – who is driving?
A. The police!