Baldy

Reincarnation

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family….you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin
"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
firsttime.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting

"Colin, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy KAK in die bed!!!"

The world is my dustbin

What is it with South African drivers and their need to hear glass break on tar wherever they go? In the last 3 years the amount of borken glass on our roads has gotten much worse, and the other worrying fact is that it is mostly alcohol bottles being broken on the roads. A lot of green glass, and often you can still see the labels stuck to parts as well.

I'm getting quite sick of this, because of the amount of time I spent on the road on a bicycle, I have to keep on dodging glass, sometimes in the face of oncoming traffic. Unfortunately bicycle tyres have a similar price to car tyres, and I cannot afford to keep on replacing them on a too regular basis so I have to dodge the glass.

It also seems that most South Africans think that our beautiful country is one big dustbin, no need to walk to the nearest bin to dump rubbish, just drop it where you want.

All of us are directly or indirectly paying for waste management services, why not use it?

You do not see this problem in other countries, because there you would get a severe fine, or even jail time for dumping your rubbish on the street. These countries have a proper strategy in place. It's called visible policing, and their cops aren't too lazy to enforce even the simplest of rules, by the book! Why can't our cops do the same?

Etiket vir Tappits

ALGEMEEN

1. Moet nooit bier saam vat na 'n job interview nie.
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaard is voor jy begin skiet.
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saam vat kerk toe nie.
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit.
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter saam sleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie.

UITEET

1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn bederf nie.
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die label toehou.

ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS

1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster/kat/hond/aap op die koffietafel sit nie.
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel af eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as jou gaste s'n).

PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID

1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word.
2. As jy toiletware reg gebruik kan jy 'n paar dae gaan sonder 'n wassie.
3. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie.

VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie)

1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die eerste date.
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by die jol plek.
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is, is dit jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is.

FLIEK

1. Huilende babas moet verkieslik na die voorportaal gevat word en onmiddellik na die show gehaal word.
2. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie.

TROUES

1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie.
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word.
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie. Stofepipes is ook uit.
4. Al is dit moelik, sê maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net vir die kerk).

BESTUUR

1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai.
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste, daarna die ou wie se exhaust die hardste raas.
3. Moet nooit 'n ander blaar se kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie.
4. As jy jou vrou/goose met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook terug te bring.
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.

Spam

The blog spammers have found my site, so I've had to disable anonymous posts. When I get around to it, I'll install CAPTCHA support and enable it again, but for now, just register if you would like to comment.

Indian Businessman

An Indian goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour meisie?" "$100," she replies. So he asks, "awright do you do Indian style?" She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Indian style?" She again says no, not knowing what Indian style is! So he then offers her $300.

Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Indian style with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Indian style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Indian style' come in?"

The Indian replies… "I'll pay you next week"

PC Season’s Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends & family, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that South Africa is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting the following terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Kind Regards

Finally

Exactly 5 months and 1 day after placing my order for ADSL, Telkom finally got around to converting my line. Not installing a new one, just converting an existing one. This is after about 30 phone calls to the ADSL department, and 2 emails to the complaints department.