Category: Jokes

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family….you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin
"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
firsttime.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting

"Colin, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy KAK in die bed!!!"

An Indian goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour meisie?" "$100," she replies. So he asks, "awright do you do Indian style?" She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Indian style?" She again says no, not knowing what Indian style is! So he then offers her $300.

Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Indian style with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Indian style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Indian style' come in?"

 The Indian replies… "I'll pay you next week"

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends & family, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:  

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that South Africa is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 By accepting this greeting, you are accepting the following terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

 Kind Regards

Found this on the SADeveloper site, and just had to add it here.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb”
is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again.