Author: Baldy

Eskom Horroscopes

 

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21) :Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torchbatteries.

 

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21) :You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today.  Try to remember to getthat gas cylinder filled!  Be cheerful, though, and remember that yourancestors lived like this and survived – 25,000 years ago.

 

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 22) :There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love.  Bu mmer thatyou can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in theEskom disco derby…

 

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 23) :Thought you were smart buying that generator?  But we know you're going torun out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20kmaway.  As you get there, we'll cut their power… Sorry.

 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 24) : Anothermorning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you…  If youmake it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but bythen you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though.  This is the New SA – you'll probably get away withit.)

 

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) :Not for very much longer…  What else is there to do after dark?

 

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) :Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice.  That's why we're going tohit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where yourlocal MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 23) :Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that.  And don't thinkit will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) :Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that hasbeen stored in a constantly operating fridge…. Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if youcan find an emergency ward that has back-up generators.  Good luck!

 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 21) :Don't bother to go to work today.  During the hours when you actually willhave electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to doanything anyway.  Stay home and well…. there's not much to dothere either, is there?

 

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 20) :Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide toemigrate.  We regret to inform you that this is no longerpossible…  The airports have all shut down, because – well think aboutit!  They need electricity to run the place!!  You ain't going -nowhere…

 

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 21) :Today all your hopes and dreams will come true.  You'll have power during"Days of Our Lives".

 

If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake – even if they don'treflect your age.  How else are you going to see to open the presents?

You will receive the ideal gift -your very own miner's helmet!!

Get your words right

A man gets up one morning to findhis wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked meto do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.  

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don'tremember asking her to cook my sock…"

 

Quitting drinking

Vincent walks into a bar in Pretoria, orders three pints of Black Label and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Vinn replies, "Well, you see, I have two friends. One is in Polokwane, the other in Lebowakgomo, and I'm here in Pretoria. When I left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Vinn becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way:   he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Vinny looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me…"

"…I've quit drinking!"

 

Dear Multichoice…

…I have a few feature requests.

1. Would it be possible for me to instruct my PVR to record a specific show from the Internet.  I'm not always home when I realise that I forgot to program it to record a "cannot be missed" show or event.  Even better, allow me to do this from my mobile phone.

2. Why should I pay for having all the channels if I only watch a few of them?  Can I not rather have a choice selecting only the channels I want?  There are some channels that I will never watch, they do not appeal to me.  I don't see why I should pay for the "privilege" of having them.  If that is not financially feasible, make up packages where I can buy bundles of 10 channels at a time.  And allow me to swap these on a monthly basis, online if possible.  Surely this would make the service more affordable for most, and you'd grow your subscriber base.
 

The basics of golf

There is a new book out to help you lift your golf game, this one is especially for me.  Here's the list of chapters

 

Chapter1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter2 – How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from theTee

Chapter3 – How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also SeeChapter 8)

Chapter4 – How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter5 – When to Give the Marshal the Finger

Chapter6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter7 – When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter9 – How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter10 – How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter11 – Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter12 – How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter13 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter14 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter15 – Religion and the Meaning of theBirdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter16 – When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter17 – Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter18 – Rules Interpretation: "Loss of Ball is penalty enough…"

Chapter19 – Why male golfers will pay R5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and giveher a R3 tip, but will balk at R3 .50 at the 19th Hole and stiffthe bartender.