Author: Baldy

Home alterations

We're currently busy with quite a few changes to our house.  One of the things we needed was a fence so that we could keep the dogs away from the main gate and the entrances to what would eventually our business premises.

I saw a guy putting up palisade fencing at the vet close to my house, and decided to get him to quote.  From the start the service was excellent, but unfortunately that only lasted until he started the job.  It was not a major job, with about 40 meters of fencing to be done.

Before he started painting I changed the order to add doggy bars at the bottom so that the dogs can't get through, and paid my deposit for that.

He did that job and then started painting, on a Friday morning.  By 4 the afternoon my wife phoned and said he needs his money because he can't pay his labourer, and I assumed he was finished with the job and duly paid the outstanding balance.  Only to get home and see that he used a spray-gun to paint the fence, so now I had white plants, white lawn, and the part that seriosuly annoyed me, was the white paint on the green palisade, and on the yellow walls, both of which we painted less that 4 months ago.

He also missed the back fence completely, forgetting to paint it and to put doggy bars on.

After almost a week of first being nice, and later starting to threaten, he eventually returned and fixed the walls and palisade, put doggy bars on the wrong gate, and painted the back fence, but still not properly.

This guy calls his business WWW.CON, short for Walter's Welding Works and Construction.  If you ever consider using him to do work for you, I would think twice about it if I were you.

Teaching english

A Catholic priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was to speak English.
 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to  a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
The chief looks at the rock and grunts,  "Rock."
 
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the locals engaged in some really heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied, "My bike."  

Hoekom n “box” ‘n “boks” is

'n Bietjie Afrikaanse opvoeding op hierdie dag. Oorvertel as die waarheid, die volle waarheid en niks anders as die waarheid!!!

Op 'n Maandag oggend, het die hele skool soos gewoonlik in die saal vergader.

Die skoolhoof het soos gewoonlik sy storie vertel, die eerste rugbyspan geprys, die skoolkommittee hartlik bedank, die kinders met stories bang gemaak – nie dat ek dink kinders skrik meer vir enigiets minder as die doodstraf, wat hulle weet hulle nie opgele kan word nie.

Hy betuig verder sy dankbaarheid teenoor die kinders wat hulle siviele eise teen die skool teruggetrek het, en vir die wat nie meer in die klaskamers rook nie.

Op die verhoog staan daar twee kartondose.

In hierdie kartondose is daar Bybels wat deur die Gideon organisasie (dis die ouens wat Bybels in hotelle ens. plaas) aan die skool geskenk is.

Die idee is om vir alle kinders wat nie bybels het nie, 'n bybeltjie te gee.

Omdat hierdie nogal 'n noemenswaardige gebaar is, het twee van die Gideon mense na die Skool gekom om die Bybels te oorhandig.

Die twee sit so half eenkant – weg van die onderwysers af.

Toe die hoof klaar is met sy aankondigings, kyk hy so op na die kinders, en sonder om 'n beat te mis, swaai hy sy hand so na die twee Gideon mense se kant toe en se:

"Julle wonder seker wat hierdie twee dose op die verhoog doen?"

Nodeloos om te se die volgende oomblik het chaos uitgebars en die onderwysers rapporteer dat dit onmoontlik was om enigiets die moeite werd vir twee dae in die kinders se koppe te kry, aangesien hulle telkens uitgebars het van die lag. Die arme twee Gideons het nie 'n woord kon inkry nie en die twee dose met Bybels in is onuitgedeel na die hoof se kantoor verskuif.

N.S.Dis hoekom 'n "box" 'n boks is en nie 'n doos nie!

Ons het die woord al te veel verniel in Afrikaans.
 

Certain things you should not consult your wife on

Bruce wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The Doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were involved in a huge pile-up on the freeway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again."
"But something unfortunate happened. Your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Bruce is horror stricken.

"Now, you've got about $9000 in compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did……better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

Bruce perks up.

"Now," the Dr added, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.  But you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance if you had a five incher before and want a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine incher and decide only to invest in a five incher she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

Bruce agrees to talk with his wife.

The Doctor returns the next day. "So" says the Doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?

"Yep. I have." says Bruce.

"And has she helped you in making this important decision?"

"Yep" says Bruce.

"And what is it?" asks the Doctor. . .

"We're getting a new kitchen."
 

The right answer

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter.

The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand.

Every hand in the class besides one went up.

This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl, "because I dont support the Wallabies."

Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported.

"I support the Springboks", she replied.

Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the Springboks.

"My mom supports the Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the Springboks."

The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter !!"
 

The law is now going against my religion

According to this article on News24, smacking your child is now a criminal offence, punishable by a minimum fine of R300.  I don’t get it.  In my opinion, and as I’ve stated earlier, a good smack on the butt is still the number one ear opener for any child.  I’ve grown up with it, and my kids will grow up with it.  The government is trying to get people to stop abusing and degrading children, and I agree that it has to stop, but they’re going about it in the wrong way.

At this point, the law makes it easy for undisciplined teens to get back at their parents for something they deserved in the first place.

Government needs to change this law urgently!  A parent should not be prosecuted for disciplining their children, unless they are doing it in the wrong way.

And for the offenders that should be prosecuted, a R300 fine is not a deterrent to stop abusing their children, and the children would probably be too scared to report their parents anyway, knowing that the moment the parent gets back from paying the fine, there will be hell to pay.

If someone is abusing a child, the child should be taken away, without the option of getting the child back ever.  That would be more of a deterrent than a small fine.