Category: Jokes

There are 7 types of humour, according to popular science. Most people like 2 or 3 of these, but there are a few enlightened people who enjoy all 7. If you don’t find one of the jokes I share here funny, then you still have a long way to go on your journey to enlightenment.

Quitting drinking

Vincent walks into a bar in Pretoria, orders three pints of Black Label and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Vinn replies, "Well, you see, I have two friends. One is in Polokwane, the other in Lebowakgomo, and I'm here in Pretoria. When I left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Vinn becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way:   he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Vinny looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me…"

"…I've quit drinking!"

 

The basics of golf

There is a new book out to help you lift your golf game, this one is especially for me.  Here's the list of chapters

 

Chapter1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter2 – How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from theTee

Chapter3 – How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also SeeChapter 8)

Chapter4 – How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter5 – When to Give the Marshal the Finger

Chapter6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter7 – When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter9 – How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter10 – How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter11 – Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter12 – How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter13 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter14 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter15 – Religion and the Meaning of theBirdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter16 – When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter17 – Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter18 – Rules Interpretation: "Loss of Ball is penalty enough…"

Chapter19 – Why male golfers will pay R5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and giveher a R3 tip, but will balk at R3 .50 at the 19th Hole and stiffthe bartender.

My cat stutters

The teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'…

 But before he could say "F**k!" the rottweiler ate him!" 

You get what you pay for

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.  Every day, he'd jog past a  hooker standing on the same street corner.  He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost  certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the  kerb.  "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. 

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.  He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell  back, "Five pounds!" 

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.  As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince  Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder  what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he  became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.  He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog  past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five  pounds, you tight bastard?!"
 

Versagtende omstandighede

Geagte meneer die staatsaanklaer,

Ek wil graag my vertoë rig i.v.m . 'n spoedoortreding boete. Of u nie dalk vir my genadig wil wees en die boete wil afbring nie. Ek is op die 13de Maart m.b.v. 'n kamera gevang. Ek het glo 150 k/p/u. in 'n 120 sone gery. Dit was op die N1 tussen Lainsburg en Beaufortwes. Ek weet ek het miskien bietjie vinnig gery, maar as u die rede lees sal u miskien verstaan.  Dis ook darem 'n bloemin skande dat ek so baie geld moet betaal vir 30 km/u oor spoed. Ek werk mos bliksems hard vir my geld. Ek dink in elk geval dis sommer net 'n blerrie geldmaakstorie. Hoekom stop hulle nie liewer die d…… taxies nie. Die goed is al gevaarlik op 60! Soos ek skryf is ek nou besig om my moer te pluk. Dit daar gelaat.
 
Ek ry met 'n groot BMW. Nou sal u vra hoekom ry ek met so 'n blerrie duur kar as ek kla oor die geld. Ek het drie kinders, 'n drieling. Ek wou nie nou al kinders gehad het nie maar toe koop ek mos 'n klomp kondome op special.  Nogal "Made in China". Plaas dat ek toe verder gedink het, dis geen wonder die chinese is oorbevolk nie. Die kondome het toe begin perish. Een aand toe ek weer sien, bly net die rubber ring van die kondoom by my. In elk geval, om drie prêms, carriekotte en dies meer in te pak as ons iewers heen gaan moes ek toe die groot kar koop. Dan is die ding nog f….. swaar op petrol ook Sien meneer, my vrou se tannie op Beaufort Wes is toe mos dood. Ons moes toe begrafnis toe. Ek dag toe, dalk erf my vrou dalk iets. Haar tannie het 'n nuwe TV wat die famielie so saam gepoel het om vir haar te gee. Aangesien my TV se kleur heel betjoins is, dag ek toe dat as ek betyds daar is kan ek dalk die ding claim. Miskien is dit so 'n "First come first serve" boedel besigheid. Op my TV lyk Michaell Jackson of hy skittery het so groen is sy gesig.
 
Ons is die môre vroeg weg uit die Kaap. Ek het heel mooi by die spoed gehou tot net anderkant Lainsburg. Ons BMW ouens is mos bedagsame bestuurders, soos u weet Toe strike die popo die fên. Dit was 'n helse warm dag. Die kar se aircon is ook up to shit in daai hitte. Ons ruik toe skielik dat een van die kleingoed het geskyt. Ek vreet my vrou uit hoekom sy nie gesê het dat ons op Lainsburg moes stop dat sy die kleingoed kon check nie. In elk geval, toe die die ander twee kleingoed ruik die een het geskyt, steek hulle ook aan. En toe stink dit. Ek wil toe stop, maar op daardie verlate vlakte is toe nie een koelteboom naby nie.
 
Meneer, het jy al ooit dit beleef as die hitte mix met babaskyt? Ons kon dit nie meer hou nie. Ek moes toe die venster oop maak om te kan oorleef anders kots ek die kar se dashbord toe. Maar toe kom daar 'n warm lug in wat my gevreet brand dat ek nog 'n week later koorsblare op my bek gehad het.
Bo-op als dit ry ek nog in 'n swerm springkane ook vas. Die geel sop besmeer my hele ruit en 'n klomp spat hier oor my net toe ek my kop deur die venster steek vir vars lug. My sonbril is toe so besmeer dat ek net deur een glas kan kyk. Nog voor ek tot verhaal kom, sal 'n don**rse vlieg nie binne in my bek
beland nie. Ek voel hoe vors die wind die arme ding in my keelgat af. Ek moes toe dem sluk want my oggend se brekfis dreig toe opdraend. Toe sit ek met
'n sooibrand asof ek Durban se koeliekerrie gevreet het. Nou is my moer heel gestrip. Ek trap daai petrol vas in die hoek.
 
Uiteindelik sien ek 'n koelteboom in die verte. Toe ek naderkom sien ek jou wragtig daar staan 'n blerrie bloubaadjie en wys ek moet aftrek. Sy maat staan ewe windgat by die kamera op die driepoot asof hy die ding gemaak het.  Ek trek af so 'n ent verby hulle. Ek vlieg vinnig uit die kar om te keer laat ek nie kots nie. Die bloubaadjie kom so ewe na my kant aangestap met 'n paar bakbene en instêre soos Clint Eastwood van ouds, maar toe ek so uit die kar uit vlie dag hy hy gaan op sy moer kry en stop in sy spore. Ek kyk waar is die beton tafel sodat my vrou die gemors kan opfieks. Jou wragtig, daar staan net die twee voetstukke.Tot die bankies se sitplekke is weg. Dis mos nuwe Suid Afrika Ek vat nog aan die kar se bonnet om te voel of sy dit kan gebruik, maar dit sê eintlik tsst so warm is dit. Sy moes toe maar die sitplekke van die kar gebruik. Ek sukkel nou nog om droë stront uit die kussings te kry.

Toe die spiedkop sien dis veilig kom skryf hy vir my daardie d ….se tieket. Hoe meer ek verduidelik hoe hardegatter raak hy. Ek wys vir hom toe daar so 'n piskruiper verbyry hoekom hy nie daardie ding ook stop nie. Die kar se ruite is pikswart geplak en 'n oliedamp besoedel in die lug. Maar nee, ek is mos 'n soft target. Seker te bang daars 'n AK 47 in die kar.

Om alles te kroon, die begrafnis kos toe vir my 'n moerse lot geld. Die ouvrou het so wragtig die TV aan die outehuis bemaak. Ons kry toe die sikamerstel, maar die een bank se sprieng het geskiet toe my swaer daarop gaan sit en sy gat moes vyf steke kry. Ek sê toe hulle kan die stel maar by die plakkers gaan aflaai. Ek wou nie begrafnis toe gaan nie. Ek het ook nie eers van die ouvrou gehou nie. Nou is my vrou ook moerderig vir my.
Meneer die staatsaanklaer, ek weet jy is nou al gatvol vir my gekla. Ek weet jy gaan ook geen simpatie met my hê nie, so steek maar die versagtende omstandighede ook in jou gat.

Koebaai.

Mnr. Jyhoefoknieteweetwienie

Jeremy Clarkson quotes

This is the reason I watch Top Gear on BBC

 

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on thedrive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed andsleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going tohappen."

"We start tonight with the highlightof my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as youwould imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes,until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.

With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"…

"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany".

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster – 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravanning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2 ) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole Americansitting on the tailgate…"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complainingabout how dead he was.

Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting tocome apart. now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved…for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one…" Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago… in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."