Category: Jokes

There are 7 types of humour, according to popular science. Most people like 2 or 3 of these, but there are a few enlightened people who enjoy all 7. If you don’t find one of the jokes I share here funny, then you still have a long way to go on your journey to enlightenment.

Teaching english

A Catholic priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was to speak English.
 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to  a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
The chief looks at the rock and grunts,  "Rock."
 
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the locals engaged in some really heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied, "My bike."  

Hoekom n “box” ‘n “boks” is

'n Bietjie Afrikaanse opvoeding op hierdie dag. Oorvertel as die waarheid, die volle waarheid en niks anders as die waarheid!!!

Op 'n Maandag oggend, het die hele skool soos gewoonlik in die saal vergader.

Die skoolhoof het soos gewoonlik sy storie vertel, die eerste rugbyspan geprys, die skoolkommittee hartlik bedank, die kinders met stories bang gemaak – nie dat ek dink kinders skrik meer vir enigiets minder as die doodstraf, wat hulle weet hulle nie opgele kan word nie.

Hy betuig verder sy dankbaarheid teenoor die kinders wat hulle siviele eise teen die skool teruggetrek het, en vir die wat nie meer in die klaskamers rook nie.

Op die verhoog staan daar twee kartondose.

In hierdie kartondose is daar Bybels wat deur die Gideon organisasie (dis die ouens wat Bybels in hotelle ens. plaas) aan die skool geskenk is.

Die idee is om vir alle kinders wat nie bybels het nie, 'n bybeltjie te gee.

Omdat hierdie nogal 'n noemenswaardige gebaar is, het twee van die Gideon mense na die Skool gekom om die Bybels te oorhandig.

Die twee sit so half eenkant – weg van die onderwysers af.

Toe die hoof klaar is met sy aankondigings, kyk hy so op na die kinders, en sonder om 'n beat te mis, swaai hy sy hand so na die twee Gideon mense se kant toe en se:

"Julle wonder seker wat hierdie twee dose op die verhoog doen?"

Nodeloos om te se die volgende oomblik het chaos uitgebars en die onderwysers rapporteer dat dit onmoontlik was om enigiets die moeite werd vir twee dae in die kinders se koppe te kry, aangesien hulle telkens uitgebars het van die lag. Die arme twee Gideons het nie 'n woord kon inkry nie en die twee dose met Bybels in is onuitgedeel na die hoof se kantoor verskuif.

N.S.Dis hoekom 'n "box" 'n boks is en nie 'n doos nie!

Ons het die woord al te veel verniel in Afrikaans.
 

Certain things you should not consult your wife on

Bruce wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The Doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were involved in a huge pile-up on the freeway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again."
"But something unfortunate happened. Your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Bruce is horror stricken.

"Now, you've got about $9000 in compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did……better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

Bruce perks up.

"Now," the Dr added, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.  But you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance if you had a five incher before and want a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine incher and decide only to invest in a five incher she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

Bruce agrees to talk with his wife.

The Doctor returns the next day. "So" says the Doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?

"Yep. I have." says Bruce.

"And has she helped you in making this important decision?"

"Yep" says Bruce.

"And what is it?" asks the Doctor. . .

"We're getting a new kitchen."
 

The right answer

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian, and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter.

The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up their hand.

Every hand in the class besides one went up.

This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl, "because I dont support the Wallabies."

Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported.

"I support the Springboks", she replied.

Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the Springboks.

"My mom supports the Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the Springboks."

The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby supporter !!"
 

The state of South African Cricket

Don't know if there should be a "Jokes" tag on this one 

 

 

Q. What do Mark Boucher and Michael Jackson have incommon?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is South Africa's best chance of a winat Kingsmead?
A. Telling the other team the match is at the Wanderers.

 Q. How bad is the South African batting?
A. Well, the selectors are thinking of moving Extras up the batting order.  

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. A South African batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the main function of the South African coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the South African version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't South African fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.  

Q. What do you call a South African with 50 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Graeme Smith?
A. His walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the South African touring party?
A. The guy who removes the ball marks from the bats.

Q. Who spent the most time on the crease of anyone in the South African
    touring party?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket uniforms.

 

 

 

Hoe om n babelaas beter te maak

Om hangovers tefight is actually heelwat makliker as wat mens sou dink. Daar's gewoonlikeen goue reël wat feitlik altyd effektief is.

Moenie drink nie.

Die probleme ontstaan as mens die rëel 'n fokken vetignore kap.
Moeilikheid.
Dus, as jy per abuis reël een oortree, verwys dadelik na reël twee.

Moenie te veel drink nie.

Een word twee, al die ure word happy, lelik word mooi,en twee word een (partykeer sommer op die agterseat).
Steeds is als nie verlore nie.
In tye van transgressie, verwys spoedig na reel drie.

Moenie jou drankies meng nie.

Check alle drankies gaan eventually na dieselfde plektoe, maar net soos in 'n bar meen dit nie altyd almal smaak mekaar nie.

Inteendeel, jy sal vind dis presies hierdie tipemengelmoes wat gaan maak dat jy suffer

Sit neer daai shooter, cowboy.

Teen die tyd dat jy reel drie oortree het is jy klaargefok. Sonder om eers jou broek af te trek.
Dan ewe skielik is dit twee-uur, jy vreet 'n Garage pie oppad huis toe,
en worry oor die moontlikheid van 'n evil hangovertjie wat dalk onder joubed vir jou wag.

Slaap soveel as wat jy kan .

Fokken wil mos.
Lekker rëels breek.
Lekker breker.
Wie's nou smart?
Ouens wat hier uitkom het obviously nie gefokken luister nie en sit nou metdie full-blown, fokken hangover.
Nou moet jy maar slaap pel, en baie ook.
Nog bietjie. Daa'sy.
Trek hom bersie oor hom koppie.

Suip baie water.

Party Moegoes reken sommer die aand wat jy van die jol afkom.
Maar dis bietjie moeilik as jy ingedra word en wakker word met Kots opjou hemp.
Kry vir jou 'n lekker laaang beker water en drink daarvan soveel en sovinnig as wat jy kan.
Kom, jy't mos gewys jy kanbaie drink.
Jy's mos die fokken mek van die plek.
Sluk! Sommer vier Grandpa's ôk.

Eet iets.

Op die stadium is jou lyf hoogs die bliksem in vir jou.
Jy het nie mooi gemaak met jou lyf nie.
Uh-uh. Nou moet daar fokken mooi broodjies gebak word, en een ding wat joulyf verstaan is eetbare bederfies.
As jy rerig wil fokken brownie punte score, skiet vir iets gesonds – even'n slaaitjie. As jou lyf kon het hy/sy jou op die rug geklop.

Party ouens reken mens moet 'n rou eier eet. Al waarvoordit werk is om jou te laat verder kots, en as jy gelukkig is nog salmonella ookte kry. Fokken smart Parra!, nou't jy salmonella en 'nhang-over.

Dom Doos.

Vat 'n shower of 'n bad.

Nou hierdie rëel help beide vir jou asook die mensegeaffekteer deur jou second-hand hangover ..
D.w.s. die arme swape wat jou asem en stink holtes ruik na die aand uit.
Voel bietjie daai wol oor jou tanne?
Hoe dink jy ruik dit vir ander?
Presies.
Hou op 'n aap wees en vat 'n stort.

Trek iets gemaklik aan.

Official hangover wear is pejaamies of sommer 'n ousweetpak met Stou-kies en 'n T-shirt.
Jy wil nie deal met goed wat jou skaaf of knoppe platdruk nie.
Sag en lelik is die wagwoorde hier.

Vat dit rustig.

Drop die blinds, kry 'n bottel Coke, bietjie Nando's enloop rent 'n DVD of twee .
Skuif nou voor die TV in met die remote en relax.

Dit gaan 'n fokken laaaang dag wees.