Don’t ask grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In  a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

Heapproached her and  asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know  me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.  You lie, cheat on yourwife, manipulate people and talk  about them behind their backs. You thinkyou're a big shot when you  haven't the brains to realize you never willamount to anything more  than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I knowyou."

The  lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.  Bradley since hewas a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a  drinking problem. He can'tbuild a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one ofthe worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with threedifferent women.  One of them wasyour wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney  almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the  bench and in a quietvoice  said:  "If  eitherof you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the  electricchair."  

Should we stay or should we go?

I'm not debating whether to go to the next social event of the year, this time I'm wondering whether it is worth staying in this country…

With the power crisis still ongoing, and it looks like that will be the norm for the future with the planning they're doing now.  Eskom says it will take them 5 years to build enough power stations to fill the current gap, but in 5 years time, the demand will be higher, unless things take a turn for the worst, in which case it is not even worth debating this.

Then we have a looming water crisis, with 43% of the dams managed by the department of water affairs and forestry in dire need of maintenance because of safety problems and other issues.  We have radio active materials contaminating the catchment areas of Johannesburg, which means we could already have affected meat and other foods on our tables.

Our education system is in shambles, with way too few pupils getting the required literacy & numeracy skills, never mind more advanced maths & science skills.

Most of the higher officials in our country believe they're above the law, with two cops getting suspended and being disciplined after arresting our ex-speaker for drunk driving, this while he is out on parole for worse crimes.  Our police commissioner is a suspect for fraud & corruption, our president to be the same.  And then they plan on disbanding the one independent law-enforcement unit that can still get them convicted, nice life.

Our brilliant government have managed to take our country deeper into the sewerage in just 12 years.  And for the first five we had people in power that seemed a bit more competent than the current batch of government ministers, so how worried should we be for the things that are going to go wrong when these incompetent people's decisions become visible in 5 to 10 years time?

Don't get me wrong, I love this country.  Even after getting robbed at gunpoint in 2006 while out cycling, I did not even contemplate leaving, but then I only had to worry about myself.  Now I have a family to worry about, and honestly I don't see things improving very soon, and I could not lead my children into an uncertain future like this.

My question is, would you go, and if so where?  What would your reasons be?
 

School – 1960 vs 2007

Scenario: Johnnyand Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shakehands and end up mates.

2007 – Police are called, Armed Response Unitarrives and arrests Johnny and Mark.  Mobiles with video of fightconfiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, SBOs are taken out andboth are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences andparent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffreywon't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office andgiven 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt classagain.

2007 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extrafunding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaksa window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 – Billy is more careful next time, grows upnormal, goes to college, and becomes a  successful businessman.

2007 – Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tellsBilly's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goesto  prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologistgets a promotion. 

Scenario: Mark, acollege student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principalout on the smoking area.

2007 – Police are called and Mark is expelled fromSchool for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammedfails high school English.

1960 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes tocollege.

2007 – Mohammed's cause is taken up by local humanrights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that makingEnglish a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Associationfiles class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher.English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualificationanyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takesapart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blowsup an anthill.

1960 – Ants die.

2007 – MI5 and police are called and Johnny is chargedwith perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings areremoved from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on aterror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny fallsduring break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, andgives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back toplaying.

2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator andloses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years oftherapy. Becomes gay.

Eskom Horroscopes

 

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21) :Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torchbatteries.

 

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21) :You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today.  Try to remember to getthat gas cylinder filled!  Be cheerful, though, and remember that yourancestors lived like this and survived – 25,000 years ago.

 

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 22) :There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love.  Bu mmer thatyou can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in theEskom disco derby…

 

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 23) :Thought you were smart buying that generator?  But we know you're going torun out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20kmaway.  As you get there, we'll cut their power… Sorry.

 

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 24) : Anothermorning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you…  If youmake it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but bythen you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though.  This is the New SA – you'll probably get away withit.)

 

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) :Not for very much longer…  What else is there to do after dark?

 

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) :Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice.  That's why we're going tohit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where yourlocal MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 23) :Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that.  And don't thinkit will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) :Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that hasbeen stored in a constantly operating fridge…. Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if youcan find an emergency ward that has back-up generators.  Good luck!

 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 21) :Don't bother to go to work today.  During the hours when you actually willhave electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to doanything anyway.  Stay home and well…. there's not much to dothere either, is there?

 

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 20) :Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide toemigrate.  We regret to inform you that this is no longerpossible…  The airports have all shut down, because – well think aboutit!  They need electricity to run the place!!  You ain't going -nowhere…

 

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 21) :Today all your hopes and dreams will come true.  You'll have power during"Days of Our Lives".

 

If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake – even if they don'treflect your age.  How else are you going to see to open the presents?

You will receive the ideal gift -your very own miner's helmet!!