A man gets up one morning to findhis wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked meto do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don'tremember asking her to cook my sock…"
Vincent walks into a bar in Pretoria, orders three pints of Black Label and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Vinn replies, "Well, you see, I have two friends. One is in Polokwane, the other in Lebowakgomo, and I'm here in Pretoria. When I left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Vinn becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Vinny looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me…"
"…I've quit drinking!"
…I have a few feature requests.
1. Would it be possible for me to instruct my PVR to record a specific show from the Internet. I'm not always home when I realise that I forgot to program it to record a "cannot be missed" show or event. Even better, allow me to do this from my mobile phone.
2. Why should I pay for having all the channels if I only watch a few of them? Can I not rather have a choice selecting only the channels I want? There are some channels that I will never watch, they do not appeal to me. I don't see why I should pay for the "privilege" of having them. If that is not financially feasible, make up packages where I can buy bundles of 10 channels at a time. And allow me to swap these on a monthly basis, online if possible. Surely this would make the service more affordable for most, and you'd grow your subscriber base.
There is a new book out to help you lift your golf game, this one is especially for me. Here's the list of chapters
Chapter1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter2 – How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from theTee
Chapter3 – How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also SeeChapter 8)
Chapter4 – How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter5 – When to Give the Marshal the Finger
Chapter6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter7 – When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter9 – How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter10 – How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter11 – Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter12 – How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter13 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter14 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter15 – Religion and the Meaning of theBirdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter16 – When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter17 – Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter18 – Rules Interpretation: "Loss of Ball is penalty enough…"
Chapter19 – Why male golfers will pay R5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and giveher a R3 tip, but will balk at R3 .50 at the 19th Hole and stiffthe bartender.
I finally have it, my new tattoo.
The love of my life gave it to me for my birthday, after a few weeks of me looking at and rejecting designs. I finally ended up combining two designs that I liked myself, and slept on it for another two weeks.
The Kanji writing in the middle means “Never Give Up”, which sums up my general attitude, and yes I triple checked the translation…
I have to say that I cannot recommend the position of the tattoo on your body. The pain factor on this one was more than triple that of my previous tattoo. It rates up there with digging tar out of your wounds after coming off the bike at speed, and then scrubbing the wound with a pot scourer. The artist agreed that the place I chose was also the only one he did not like.
I went to Max from Evolution Tattoo at Princess Crossing. It must be the cleanest artist I’ve seen. He literally took about 15 minutes to clean his workstation in full view of the front of the shop before starting on me, even replacing the plastic covering over the machine’s cables.
Thank you Leigh!
Our office building's elevators recently went through an "upgrade" process. All the elevator mechanisms were replaced, and then they replaced the management system.
The new management system decides which elevator you'll be using when you push the button. It has a nice big arrow above the lift door that lights up while you're waiting, and then starts flashing when the elevator arrives, so the moment you push the button you know which elevator to go stand in front of. Only sometimes the system realises that the particular elevator is in use between other floors, and then switches to another.
At ground floor level they've installed a set of buttons for each floor in the building, and the system then lets you know which elevator will stop on your floor. The problem here is that most people don't even bother looking, and just storm into the first elevator that arrives. You just have to wait for the first stop before you can push your floor button again to make the elevator stop there.
I have no idea how the system calculates which elevator to use, but what I do know is that the average wait time has gone from 30 seconds to about 3 minutes. Surely the developers of the management system should have tested and timed the new system in a real building, preferably their own. Why try to predict which elevator to use if you can just stop the first one that comes past going in the right direction.
The insides of the new elevators look very nice, but they're still just as shaky as what they used to be. The only improvement I can really see here is that you can now switch off buttons that were pressed by mistake.
What I'm getting to here, is that, hopefully, when you get a brilliant idea for your system as the developer, you actually do some homework on the usability of the feature before implementing the changes into your production environment. I've seen many users hampered by a design decision a developer took, because it would be cool to design, instead of thinking what would benefit the users.
The teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'…
But before he could say "F**k!" the rottweiler ate him!"