Category: Jokes

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!  But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

 

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 

Man: "What sins?"

 

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 

Man: "I'm Jewish."

 

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 

Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . It's a miracle . . . I'm telling everybody!"

A man was approached by a colleague at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the toilet.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife coming out of the bathroom.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment – Get their

parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Michael said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying

hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the

front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the

eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

 

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

Very good," said the teacher.

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,

 

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat

market.  We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

 

"That was a fine story Sarah.  Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"

  

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen.

 

Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was

hit.

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle

of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

 

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she

landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of

them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she

killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she

killed the last ten with her bare hands."

 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did

your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

 

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking."