Q. What do you call a pregnancy that beginswhile using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactlywhen I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'mpregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to asize 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determinea baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure ourbaby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will mybaby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband hasa big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have afat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, andeven my feet have grown. Is there anything that getssmaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night withoutonion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnantwoman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knowswhat's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado mightbe called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word " alimony " means anythingto you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only–doctors, nurses,orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown butthe entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not becircumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-think her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boilingthem in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the newmother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the babyfrom her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new motherdreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
