Category: Jokes

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.Kind of makes you proud to be South African!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truckfixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far andwould just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and boughta bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked upa couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approachedby a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me howto get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is veryclose to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint inthe bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carrythe goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk theold girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down thisalley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'Iam a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we getin the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and haveyour way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, agallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly holdyou up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with thebucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

PARENT

 Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekend s
and frequen t 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and

endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriou sly sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditionallove,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS youknow, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do…
or f orward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE **

THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!! **

If you are fortunate enough you willbecome grandparents

AND YOU MAY HAVE TO RAISE THEM TOO!!!

After anexhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word onnutrition and health.:

1.Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2.Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinesedrink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4.Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacksthan us.
5. Germansdrink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacksthan us.
6. TheFrench eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heartattacks than us. 

CONCLUSION:Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there iswisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.