Category: Jokes

It's a very sad worldwe live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes  about her false leg. Personally, I think it'sprosthetics.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from  his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said tobe  distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!She  said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened,  I'm reallystumped"                                                       
                                                                           
 "She's running around in circles", according to a closefriend,  "she will need all the support she can get. It's not likeits  easy to walk out on a relationship likethis"
                                                                           
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it  ifwe  called  herHeather.                                                              
                                                                           
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior tothe  marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, andif  an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a legto  standon.                                                                                                                       
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelitymay  have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated,"always trying to  get her legover".                                                        
                                                                           
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism wasthe  cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said,"he would get  home at night and find her legless"                                       
                                                                           
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with thepresent  that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a newprosthetic  leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.                    
                                                                           
A miner in Africa has an accident andloses a leg. He says to his mate  "I'm f—ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His matesays "try  PaulMcCartney"                                                           
                                                                           
Finally a poem by Sir PaulMcCartney:                                    
                                                                           
I lay upon a grassybank                                                  
My hands were all aquiver                                                
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in theriver         
                                                                           
And                                                                       
                                                                           
She Stood on the bridge atMidnight                                       
Her lips were all aquiver                                                
She gave a cough, her leg felloff                                        
And floated down theriver.                                               
                                                                           
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Nowshe  has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

What do you say to aguy who just knocked your front teeth out?

"JOU POETH"

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In  a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

Heapproached her and  asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know  me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.  You lie, cheat on yourwife, manipulate people and talk  about them behind their backs. You thinkyou're a big shot when you  haven't the brains to realize you never willamount to anything more  than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I knowyou."

The  lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.  Bradley since hewas a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a  drinking problem. He can'tbuild a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one ofthe worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with threedifferent women.  One of them wasyour wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney  almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the  bench and in a quietvoice  said:  "If  eitherof you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the  electricchair."  

Scenario: Johnnyand Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shakehands and end up mates.

2007 – Police are called, Armed Response Unitarrives and arrests Johnny and Mark.  Mobiles with video of fightconfiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, SBOs are taken out andboth are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences andparent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffreywon't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office andgiven 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt classagain.

2007 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extrafunding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaksa window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 – Billy is more careful next time, grows upnormal, goes to college, and becomes a  successful businessman.

2007 – Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tellsBilly's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goesto  prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologistgets a promotion. 

Scenario: Mark, acollege student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principalout on the smoking area.

2007 – Police are called and Mark is expelled fromSchool for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammedfails high school English.

1960 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes tocollege.

2007 – Mohammed's cause is taken up by local humanrights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that makingEnglish a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Associationfiles class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher.English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualificationanyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takesapart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blowsup an anthill.

1960 – Ants die.

2007 – MI5 and police are called and Johnny is chargedwith perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings areremoved from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on aterror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny fallsduring break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, andgives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back toplaying.

2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator andloses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years oftherapy. Becomes gay.

A man gets up one morning to findhis wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked meto do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.  

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don'tremember asking her to cook my sock…"