Category: Jokes

 

 1. >From 7 Sep to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports section of
 the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
 World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
 If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
 will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any
 attention.
 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all
 mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse
 of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
 mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
 me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
 clothes on right after because if you catch something in the eye or a 
  cold,
 I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the 
World Cup month.

 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
 refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
 expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
 up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it won't happen.

 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
 fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
 please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
 watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the
 day.

 6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
 is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry,
 they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me
 angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
 more about rugby than me and your so called 'words of encouragement'
 will only lead to a break up or divorce.

 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
 me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
 halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
 'one' game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
 'spend time together'.

 8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have
 seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times,
 and record them.

 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
 parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
 a) I will not go,
 b) I will not go, and
 c) I will not go.

 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch 
a
 game, we will be there in a flash.

 11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
 important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but
 you have already seen this…why don't you change the channel to
 something we can all watch??', the reply will be: 'Refer to Rule #2 of
 this list'.

 12. Please save your expressions such as 'Thank goodness the World Cup
 is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this
 comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, the TWENTY TWENTY WORLD CUP etc etc.

 13. And finally, if you are female and your "man" likes rugby less than
 you, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and
 additionally be referred to as "the bitch" for the duration of the World 
 Cup
 Thank you for your cooperation.

 Regards

 Men of the world

It has longbeen contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and thereare unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it toyou in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a womanwho will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with hergirlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-agedman entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directlytoward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over andwhispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want meto do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with heraddress. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

 

 "Clean my house."

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in herwheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on onewheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwichshort of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actuallyjoined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up onecorridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his armoutstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you gota license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulledout a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethelsped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TVlounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag,pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said"On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor,Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his"You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelledEthel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…"

"Darn!" says the little old lady….."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Two Lenasian cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down the street.  They happen to come upon a crematorium.  Ravi promptly asks Pravesh, "hey no man my cousin, what's this

crematorium thing?"

 Pravesh, "hey no man, how must I know?"Ravi, "Well, run in there and check it out!"

 

Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood.  Ravi, quite shocked, asks, "And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?"

 Pravesh, "No man, I go inside, right!"

 

Ravi, "Right?"

 

Pravesh, "I see all these sad people standing around, right?"

 

Ravi, "Right?"

 

Pravesh, "So I ask them, hey what's cooking?"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar… sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says,

"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man … "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied…….

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!!!"