You get what you pay for

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.  Every day, he'd jog past a  hooker standing on the same street corner.  He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost  certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the  kerb.  "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. 

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.  He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell  back, "Five pounds!" 

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.  As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince  Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder  what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he  became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.  He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog  past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five  pounds, you tight bastard?!"
 

Versagtende omstandighede

Geagte meneer die staatsaanklaer,

Ek wil graag my vertoë rig i.v.m . 'n spoedoortreding boete. Of u nie dalk vir my genadig wil wees en die boete wil afbring nie. Ek is op die 13de Maart m.b.v. 'n kamera gevang. Ek het glo 150 k/p/u. in 'n 120 sone gery. Dit was op die N1 tussen Lainsburg en Beaufortwes. Ek weet ek het miskien bietjie vinnig gery, maar as u die rede lees sal u miskien verstaan.  Dis ook darem 'n bloemin skande dat ek so baie geld moet betaal vir 30 km/u oor spoed. Ek werk mos bliksems hard vir my geld. Ek dink in elk geval dis sommer net 'n blerrie geldmaakstorie. Hoekom stop hulle nie liewer die d…… taxies nie. Die goed is al gevaarlik op 60! Soos ek skryf is ek nou besig om my moer te pluk. Dit daar gelaat.
 
Ek ry met 'n groot BMW. Nou sal u vra hoekom ry ek met so 'n blerrie duur kar as ek kla oor die geld. Ek het drie kinders, 'n drieling. Ek wou nie nou al kinders gehad het nie maar toe koop ek mos 'n klomp kondome op special.  Nogal "Made in China". Plaas dat ek toe verder gedink het, dis geen wonder die chinese is oorbevolk nie. Die kondome het toe begin perish. Een aand toe ek weer sien, bly net die rubber ring van die kondoom by my. In elk geval, om drie prêms, carriekotte en dies meer in te pak as ons iewers heen gaan moes ek toe die groot kar koop. Dan is die ding nog f….. swaar op petrol ook Sien meneer, my vrou se tannie op Beaufort Wes is toe mos dood. Ons moes toe begrafnis toe. Ek dag toe, dalk erf my vrou dalk iets. Haar tannie het 'n nuwe TV wat die famielie so saam gepoel het om vir haar te gee. Aangesien my TV se kleur heel betjoins is, dag ek toe dat as ek betyds daar is kan ek dalk die ding claim. Miskien is dit so 'n "First come first serve" boedel besigheid. Op my TV lyk Michaell Jackson of hy skittery het so groen is sy gesig.
 
Ons is die môre vroeg weg uit die Kaap. Ek het heel mooi by die spoed gehou tot net anderkant Lainsburg. Ons BMW ouens is mos bedagsame bestuurders, soos u weet Toe strike die popo die fên. Dit was 'n helse warm dag. Die kar se aircon is ook up to shit in daai hitte. Ons ruik toe skielik dat een van die kleingoed het geskyt. Ek vreet my vrou uit hoekom sy nie gesê het dat ons op Lainsburg moes stop dat sy die kleingoed kon check nie. In elk geval, toe die die ander twee kleingoed ruik die een het geskyt, steek hulle ook aan. En toe stink dit. Ek wil toe stop, maar op daardie verlate vlakte is toe nie een koelteboom naby nie.
 
Meneer, het jy al ooit dit beleef as die hitte mix met babaskyt? Ons kon dit nie meer hou nie. Ek moes toe die venster oop maak om te kan oorleef anders kots ek die kar se dashbord toe. Maar toe kom daar 'n warm lug in wat my gevreet brand dat ek nog 'n week later koorsblare op my bek gehad het.
Bo-op als dit ry ek nog in 'n swerm springkane ook vas. Die geel sop besmeer my hele ruit en 'n klomp spat hier oor my net toe ek my kop deur die venster steek vir vars lug. My sonbril is toe so besmeer dat ek net deur een glas kan kyk. Nog voor ek tot verhaal kom, sal 'n don**rse vlieg nie binne in my bek
beland nie. Ek voel hoe vors die wind die arme ding in my keelgat af. Ek moes toe dem sluk want my oggend se brekfis dreig toe opdraend. Toe sit ek met
'n sooibrand asof ek Durban se koeliekerrie gevreet het. Nou is my moer heel gestrip. Ek trap daai petrol vas in die hoek.
 
Uiteindelik sien ek 'n koelteboom in die verte. Toe ek naderkom sien ek jou wragtig daar staan 'n blerrie bloubaadjie en wys ek moet aftrek. Sy maat staan ewe windgat by die kamera op die driepoot asof hy die ding gemaak het.  Ek trek af so 'n ent verby hulle. Ek vlieg vinnig uit die kar om te keer laat ek nie kots nie. Die bloubaadjie kom so ewe na my kant aangestap met 'n paar bakbene en instêre soos Clint Eastwood van ouds, maar toe ek so uit die kar uit vlie dag hy hy gaan op sy moer kry en stop in sy spore. Ek kyk waar is die beton tafel sodat my vrou die gemors kan opfieks. Jou wragtig, daar staan net die twee voetstukke.Tot die bankies se sitplekke is weg. Dis mos nuwe Suid Afrika Ek vat nog aan die kar se bonnet om te voel of sy dit kan gebruik, maar dit sê eintlik tsst so warm is dit. Sy moes toe maar die sitplekke van die kar gebruik. Ek sukkel nou nog om droë stront uit die kussings te kry.

Toe die spiedkop sien dis veilig kom skryf hy vir my daardie d ….se tieket. Hoe meer ek verduidelik hoe hardegatter raak hy. Ek wys vir hom toe daar so 'n piskruiper verbyry hoekom hy nie daardie ding ook stop nie. Die kar se ruite is pikswart geplak en 'n oliedamp besoedel in die lug. Maar nee, ek is mos 'n soft target. Seker te bang daars 'n AK 47 in die kar.

Om alles te kroon, die begrafnis kos toe vir my 'n moerse lot geld. Die ouvrou het so wragtig die TV aan die outehuis bemaak. Ons kry toe die sikamerstel, maar die een bank se sprieng het geskiet toe my swaer daarop gaan sit en sy gat moes vyf steke kry. Ek sê toe hulle kan die stel maar by die plakkers gaan aflaai. Ek wou nie begrafnis toe gaan nie. Ek het ook nie eers van die ouvrou gehou nie. Nou is my vrou ook moerderig vir my.
Meneer die staatsaanklaer, ek weet jy is nou al gatvol vir my gekla. Ek weet jy gaan ook geen simpatie met my hê nie, so steek maar die versagtende omstandighede ook in jou gat.

Koebaai.

Mnr. Jyhoefoknieteweetwienie

Jeremy Clarkson quotes

This is the reason I watch Top Gear on BBC

 

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on thedrive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed andsleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going tohappen."

"We start tonight with the highlightof my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as youwould imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes,until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.

With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"…

"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany".

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster – 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravanning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2 ) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole Americansitting on the tailgate…"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complainingabout how dead he was.

Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting tocome apart. now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved…for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one…" Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago… in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Home alterations

We're currently busy with quite a few changes to our house.  One of the things we needed was a fence so that we could keep the dogs away from the main gate and the entrances to what would eventually our business premises.

I saw a guy putting up palisade fencing at the vet close to my house, and decided to get him to quote.  From the start the service was excellent, but unfortunately that only lasted until he started the job.  It was not a major job, with about 40 meters of fencing to be done.

Before he started painting I changed the order to add doggy bars at the bottom so that the dogs can't get through, and paid my deposit for that.

He did that job and then started painting, on a Friday morning.  By 4 the afternoon my wife phoned and said he needs his money because he can't pay his labourer, and I assumed he was finished with the job and duly paid the outstanding balance.  Only to get home and see that he used a spray-gun to paint the fence, so now I had white plants, white lawn, and the part that seriosuly annoyed me, was the white paint on the green palisade, and on the yellow walls, both of which we painted less that 4 months ago.

He also missed the back fence completely, forgetting to paint it and to put doggy bars on.

After almost a week of first being nice, and later starting to threaten, he eventually returned and fixed the walls and palisade, put doggy bars on the wrong gate, and painted the back fence, but still not properly.

This guy calls his business WWW.CON, short for Walter's Welding Works and Construction.  If you ever consider using him to do work for you, I would think twice about it if I were you.

Teaching english

A Catholic priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was to speak English.
 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to  a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
The chief looks at the rock and grunts,  "Rock."
 
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the locals engaged in some really heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied, "My bike."  

Hoekom n “box” ‘n “boks” is

'n Bietjie Afrikaanse opvoeding op hierdie dag. Oorvertel as die waarheid, die volle waarheid en niks anders as die waarheid!!!

Op 'n Maandag oggend, het die hele skool soos gewoonlik in die saal vergader.

Die skoolhoof het soos gewoonlik sy storie vertel, die eerste rugbyspan geprys, die skoolkommittee hartlik bedank, die kinders met stories bang gemaak – nie dat ek dink kinders skrik meer vir enigiets minder as die doodstraf, wat hulle weet hulle nie opgele kan word nie.

Hy betuig verder sy dankbaarheid teenoor die kinders wat hulle siviele eise teen die skool teruggetrek het, en vir die wat nie meer in die klaskamers rook nie.

Op die verhoog staan daar twee kartondose.

In hierdie kartondose is daar Bybels wat deur die Gideon organisasie (dis die ouens wat Bybels in hotelle ens. plaas) aan die skool geskenk is.

Die idee is om vir alle kinders wat nie bybels het nie, 'n bybeltjie te gee.

Omdat hierdie nogal 'n noemenswaardige gebaar is, het twee van die Gideon mense na die Skool gekom om die Bybels te oorhandig.

Die twee sit so half eenkant – weg van die onderwysers af.

Toe die hoof klaar is met sy aankondigings, kyk hy so op na die kinders, en sonder om 'n beat te mis, swaai hy sy hand so na die twee Gideon mense se kant toe en se:

"Julle wonder seker wat hierdie twee dose op die verhoog doen?"

Nodeloos om te se die volgende oomblik het chaos uitgebars en die onderwysers rapporteer dat dit onmoontlik was om enigiets die moeite werd vir twee dae in die kinders se koppe te kry, aangesien hulle telkens uitgebars het van die lag. Die arme twee Gideons het nie 'n woord kon inkry nie en die twee dose met Bybels in is onuitgedeel na die hoof se kantoor verskuif.

N.S.Dis hoekom 'n "box" 'n boks is en nie 'n doos nie!

Ons het die woord al te veel verniel in Afrikaans.