Evil old people

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…"

"Darn!" says the little old lady….."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Cousins

Two Lenasian cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down the street.  They happen to come upon a crematorium.  Ravi promptly asks Pravesh, "hey no man my cousin, what's this

crematorium thing?"

 Pravesh, "hey no man, how must I know?"Ravi, "Well, run in there and check it out!"

 

Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium severely beaten, covered in his own blood.  Ravi, quite shocked, asks, "And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?"

 Pravesh, "No man, I go inside, right!"

 

Ravi, "Right?"

 

Pravesh, "I see all these sad people standing around, right?"

 

Ravi, "Right?"

 

Pravesh, "So I ask them, hey what's cooking?"

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar… sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says,

"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man … "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied…….

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!!!"

Drie beertjies

Bababeer gaan by die trappe af en sit in sy klein stoeltjie by die tafel, en hy kyk na sy klein papbordjie…

 

"Wie't my pappies geëet?", vra hy in 'n huilerige stemmetjie.

 

Pappabeer kom by die tafel aan en sit in sy groot stoel. Hy kyk na sy groot papbord, en ook die is leeg.

 

"Wie de duiwel het my pap geëet!" vra hy in 'n bulderende stem.

 

Mammabeer se kop verskyn in die luik tussen die kombuis en die eetkamer.

 

Haar gesig lyk soos 'n hoëveldse donderstorm.

 

"Genugtig, hoeveel keer moet ons met julle idiote deur hierdie proses gaan?

 

Dit was Mammabeer wat eerste opgestaan het.

Dit was Mammabeer wat almal in die huis wakker gemaak het.

Dit was Mammabeer wat die koffie gemaak het.

Dit was Mammabeer wat in die koue uitgegaan het om die koerant te gaan haal.

 

Dit was Mammabeer wat die tafel gedek het.

Dit was Mammabeer wat die blerrie kat laat uitgaan en sy sandboks skoongemaak het.

Dit was Mammabeer wat die kat en die pappegaai kos gegee en versorg het.

En dit was Mammabeer wat die sitkamer aan die kant moes maak na julle TV-kykery gisteraand".

 

"En nou dat julle uiteindelik besluit het om julle flenter-beergatte ondertoe te sleep en Mammabeer se kombuis met julle befoeterde teenwoordigheid te kom vereer, moet julle nou mooi luister, en goed luister, want ek gaan dit nie weer sê nie…"

 

"Ek. Het. Nog. Nie. Die. Fokken. Pap. Gemaak. Nie!!!"

The Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!  But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" 

Miracle

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

 

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 

Man: "What sins?"

 

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 

Man: "I'm Jewish."

 

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 

Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . It's a miracle . . . I'm telling everybody!"

Sneaking in

A man was approached by a colleague at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the toilet.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife coming out of the bathroom.


"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"