Author: Baldy

Jeremy Clarkson quotes

This is the reason I watch Top Gear on BBC

 

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on thedrive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed andsleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going tohappen."

"We start tonight with the highlightof my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as youwould imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes,until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.

With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"…

"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany".

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster – 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravanning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2 ) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole Americansitting on the tailgate…"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complainingabout how dead he was.

Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting tocome apart. now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved…for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one…" Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago… in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car… in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Home alterations

We're currently busy with quite a few changes to our house.  One of the things we needed was a fence so that we could keep the dogs away from the main gate and the entrances to what would eventually our business premises.

I saw a guy putting up palisade fencing at the vet close to my house, and decided to get him to quote.  From the start the service was excellent, but unfortunately that only lasted until he started the job.  It was not a major job, with about 40 meters of fencing to be done.

Before he started painting I changed the order to add doggy bars at the bottom so that the dogs can't get through, and paid my deposit for that.

He did that job and then started painting, on a Friday morning.  By 4 the afternoon my wife phoned and said he needs his money because he can't pay his labourer, and I assumed he was finished with the job and duly paid the outstanding balance.  Only to get home and see that he used a spray-gun to paint the fence, so now I had white plants, white lawn, and the part that seriosuly annoyed me, was the white paint on the green palisade, and on the yellow walls, both of which we painted less that 4 months ago.

He also missed the back fence completely, forgetting to paint it and to put doggy bars on.

After almost a week of first being nice, and later starting to threaten, he eventually returned and fixed the walls and palisade, put doggy bars on the wrong gate, and painted the back fence, but still not properly.

This guy calls his business WWW.CON, short for Walter's Welding Works and Construction.  If you ever consider using him to do work for you, I would think twice about it if I were you.

Teaching english

A Catholic priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was to speak English.
 
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to  a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
The chief looks at the rock and grunts,  "Rock."
 
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the locals engaged in some really heavy sexual activity.

The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied, "My bike."  

Hoekom n “box” ‘n “boks” is

'n Bietjie Afrikaanse opvoeding op hierdie dag. Oorvertel as die waarheid, die volle waarheid en niks anders as die waarheid!!!

Op 'n Maandag oggend, het die hele skool soos gewoonlik in die saal vergader.

Die skoolhoof het soos gewoonlik sy storie vertel, die eerste rugbyspan geprys, die skoolkommittee hartlik bedank, die kinders met stories bang gemaak – nie dat ek dink kinders skrik meer vir enigiets minder as die doodstraf, wat hulle weet hulle nie opgele kan word nie.

Hy betuig verder sy dankbaarheid teenoor die kinders wat hulle siviele eise teen die skool teruggetrek het, en vir die wat nie meer in die klaskamers rook nie.

Op die verhoog staan daar twee kartondose.

In hierdie kartondose is daar Bybels wat deur die Gideon organisasie (dis die ouens wat Bybels in hotelle ens. plaas) aan die skool geskenk is.

Die idee is om vir alle kinders wat nie bybels het nie, 'n bybeltjie te gee.

Omdat hierdie nogal 'n noemenswaardige gebaar is, het twee van die Gideon mense na die Skool gekom om die Bybels te oorhandig.

Die twee sit so half eenkant – weg van die onderwysers af.

Toe die hoof klaar is met sy aankondigings, kyk hy so op na die kinders, en sonder om 'n beat te mis, swaai hy sy hand so na die twee Gideon mense se kant toe en se:

"Julle wonder seker wat hierdie twee dose op die verhoog doen?"

Nodeloos om te se die volgende oomblik het chaos uitgebars en die onderwysers rapporteer dat dit onmoontlik was om enigiets die moeite werd vir twee dae in die kinders se koppe te kry, aangesien hulle telkens uitgebars het van die lag. Die arme twee Gideons het nie 'n woord kon inkry nie en die twee dose met Bybels in is onuitgedeel na die hoof se kantoor verskuif.

N.S.Dis hoekom 'n "box" 'n boks is en nie 'n doos nie!

Ons het die woord al te veel verniel in Afrikaans.
 

Certain things you should not consult your wife on

Bruce wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The Doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were involved in a huge pile-up on the freeway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again."
"But something unfortunate happened. Your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Bruce is horror stricken.

"Now, you've got about $9000 in compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did……better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

Bruce perks up.

"Now," the Dr added, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.  But you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance if you had a five incher before and want a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine incher and decide only to invest in a five incher she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

Bruce agrees to talk with his wife.

The Doctor returns the next day. "So" says the Doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?

"Yep. I have." says Bruce.

"And has she helped you in making this important decision?"

"Yep" says Bruce.

"And what is it?" asks the Doctor. . .

"We're getting a new kitchen."